There has been much discussion in the press and elsewhere in recent days about what on earth the Lib Dems will do to regain lost ground? With compassionate Tories and economically sound Labour on the rise, with EU loving Nationalist SNP and flag-waving Kippers where oh where will the Lib Dems fit in this new world order.
Well have no fear – the answer appears to be plain. They plan to return to the good old days ; populating their seaside retreats with sandal-wearing beardies, and adopting policies on”humane” regulations for crabs and lobsters; the inalienable rights of goldfish, and the rights of teenagers to watch (and probably star in) porn movies. Hacks up and down the land can at last look forward to their Lib Dem conference assignment come September and political cartoonists brush off their pens with renewed enthusiasm.
Don’t believe us? Then read this wonderful submission gracing the pages of Lib Dem Voice (in italics). We’ve added our own thoughts [in red], but do feel free to add your own.
“Ok, So I have heard many people asking what do the liberal democrats believe? What is Liberalism? and where do I fit into this? Well, I am going to attempt to answer these questions the best I can without boring you all to sleep”.
[GOOD LUCK WITH THAT – I MIGHT STAY AWAKE IF YOU START SAYING SOME REALLY MAD STUFF!]
“From the Preamble to the Constitution:
The Liberal Democrats exist to build and safeguard a fair, free and open society, in which we seek to balance the fundamental values of liberty, equality and community, and in which no one shall be enslaved by poverty, ignorance or conformity. We champion the freedom, dignity and well-being of individuals, we acknowledge and respect their right to freedom of conscience and their right to develop their talents to the full. We are committed to fight poverty, oppression, hunger, ignorance, disease and aggression wherever they occur and to promote the free movement of ideas, people, goods and services.
So that’s the basic stance on the party’s views and where the Liberal Democrats are different to other parties.”
[YEAH. YOU’RE BANG ON RIGHT THERE. MOST OTHER POLITICAL PARTIES MAKE A POINT OF BEING STRONGLY IN FAVOUR OF HUNGER, IGNORANCE AND DISEASE IN THEIR FOUNDING CHARTER. THANK GOD THERE IS ONE PARTY WHICH ISN’T EXPLICITLY IN FAVOUR OF AGGRESSION AND IGNORANCE. WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT YOU?]
“They believe that everyone has the right to live a good life, and where everyone has the opportunities to be the best they can be, regardless of age, colour, gender, religion, location or how wealthy you are, and we all know that currently and previously, these things do alter our paths and rights to achieve in life.”
[WEALTHY PEOPLE CAN BUY MORE THINGS. WE ASSUME YOU WISH TO BRING AN END TO THIS SITUATION. NO WEALTHY PERSON SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO USE THEIR WEALTH TO IMPROVE THEIR OPPORTUNITIES OR THEIR CHANCES OF LIVING A GOOD LIFE. THIS IS A RECOGNISED POINT OF VIEW – IT IS CALLED COMMUNISM, NOT LIBERALISM.]
“I personally know how this feels as I’m sure many of you do too. If you are not lucky enough to be able to afford to go to a good school your opportunities are lowered, or if you are from say rural areas then your opportunities are greatly different compared to those living in city centres.”
[BAN ALL PRIVATE EDUCATION AND MAKE PRIVATE TUITION ILLEGAL. WE ALSO NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERY HOUSEHOLD HAS EXACTLY THE SAME BOOKS IN IT. OTHERWISE RICHER HOUSEHOLDS WILL HAVE CHILDREN ACCESSING MORE AND BETTER BOOKS. THIS IS UNFAIR AND NEEDS TO BE BANNED. PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE TO LIVE IN THE COUNTRYSIDE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO TRAVEL TO TRAFALGAR SQUARE AS QUICKLY AND CHEAPLY AS LONDONERS. THE CURRENT SYSTEM OF BREAKING UP THE LONDON TRANSPORT NETWORK INTO SIX ZONES WILL BE PROHIBITED. WE MUST ENSURE ALL OF THE HUMAN RACE LIVE IN THE UNIFIED “EQUALITY ZONE”.]
“I believe the same opportunities should be available to all people in all areas of the country (even the world). But, we can not achieve this level of equality if those in charge are not in favour of equality”
[NO ONE SANE IS IN FAVOUR OF TOTAL EQUALITY. THE OPPORTUNITY TO DRINK EXPENSIVE CHAMPAGNE CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT BE EQUALLY AVAILABLE TO EVERYONE IN THE WORLD.]
“Liberalism is a political philosophy or worldview founded on these ideas of equality and liberty. Liberty is freedom… the word liberal comes from the latin word liber which means ‘free’ man. Liberals generally support ideas and programs such as freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom of religion, free markets, civil rights, democratic societies, secular governments, and international cooperation.”
[MAKE YOUR MIND UP. DO YOU WANT FREE MARKETS OR EVERYONE HAVING EXACTLY THE SAME STUFF? THEY ARE PRETTY GOOD AT THE LATTER IN NORTH KOREA. IT’S PRETTY EQUAL IN THAT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME TERRIBLE LEVEL OF MISERY.]
“Liberalism first became a distinct political movement during the age of enlightenment.. where it became popular among philosophers and economists in the western world. Isolated strands of liberal thought that had existed in Western philosophy since the Ancient Greeks, began to combine at the time of the English Civil War.
So, you know now about the basic core beginnings of liberalism and you know about the views of the Liberal Democrats… so where do i fit into this? and more importantly, what about you?”
[TELL US. TELL US. WE CAN’T WAIT.]
“I have always had a strong view that every human and animal deserve the equal right to live a free and healthy life. After all, we share this planet and no species is more important than the other. We each have a purpose and in turn each deserve the right to a good life.”
[OK, YOU ARE OFFICIALLY A NUTTER. YOU ACTUALLY THINK A MOSQUITO IS NO MORE OR LESS IMPORTANT THAN A HUMAN BEING. WE SHOULD ALSO STOP HEDGEHOGS FROM SMOKING CIGARETTES IN CASE THIS STOPS THEM LIVING A HEALTHY LIFE.]
“Now, I have always been interested in politics but it wasn’t until I learned about the Liberal Democrats that I realised the views and ideas behind this party are very much the views and ideas I have always tried to live by. Liberal Democrats are not here to work for the elite, they were never designed around the rich and powerful. The party strives to achieve fairness and equality for all.”
[ESPECIALLY FOR INSECTS AND INVERTEBRATES, WHO ARE NOT CURRENTLY ENTITLED TO VOTE AND DESERVE THE SAME EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITIES AS HUMAN BEINGS.]
“Yes ok, they have made a few mistakes over the years, but they are just human.. like you and me.”
[PERHAPS WE NEED MORE REPRESENTATION – OR EVEN QUOTAS – FOR THE WIDER ANIMAL KINGDOM ON THE FEDERAL POLICY COMMITTEE. THOSE PESKY HUMAN BEINGS RUNNING THE LIBDEMS HAVE SURE MADE A TON OF MISTAKES. IT’S TIME TO LISTEN TO THE PANDAS AND THE GIRAFFES.]
“Sometimes people can do wrong even though they have the best intentions. The main thing to remember is this. If you learn from your mistakes grow and develop into better things, then the mistakes you made will be more of a learning curve. You have to try and think about all the positive outcomes from it and with regards to the Liberal Democrats, they have done good things over the 5 years even though they were small party.”
[PERHAPS PEOPLE WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE SYMPATHETIC TO HOW SMALL THE PARTY WAS IF THE LEADER AND SHADOW CABINET HAD ALL BEEN GNATS, FROGS OR LICE? HUMAN BEINGS ARE UNFAIRLY AND UNREPRESENTATIVELY TALL AND LARGE COMPARED TO OTHER ANIMALS.]
“Now we have a Tory majority govt I fear that these next few years are going to be crucial.”
[DAMN IT.WE WERE EXPECTING THE NEXT FEW YEARS TO BE IRRELEVANT AND UNIMPORTANT. THANKS FOR POINTING OUT THAT THEY ARE GOING TO BE CRUCIAL. WE ARE NOW ALL EARS. WELL, NOT ALL EARS. WE ARE HUMAN. ELEPHANTS HAVE BIGGER EARS, I SUPPOSE. AND IT’S INEQUALITIES LIKE THESE – A MERE ACCIDENT OF BIRTH – THAT WE WANT THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS TO ADDRESS.]
“We have all seen what David Cameron is intending to do: bring back fox hunting,”
[IF YOU CAN HUNT FOXES, YOU SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO HUNT HUMANS.]
“take away the Human Rights Act and replace it with something else”
[A TREATY TO RESPECT THE INALIENABLE RIGHTS OF GOLDFISH?]
“£12 billion in welfare cuts (even though there is a planned 10% pay rise for MPs).”
[YEP. IF WE PAID OUR MPs A BIT LESS, WE COULD CONTINUE TO AFFORD TO SPEND £10,000 PER HOUSEHOLD PER YEAR ON THE WELFARE STATE AND STILL WHINGE ABOUT HOW WE COULDN’T END POVERTY IN ONE OF THE RICHEST COUNTRIES IN THE WORLD AT THE RICHEST TIME IN HUMAN EXISTENCE. WE’RE SO GLAD WE TEACH SUBJECTIVE MATHEMATICS TO OUR YOUNG PEOPLE. EVERYONE (AND EVERY ANIMAL) SHOULD HAVE THE SAME BASIC RIGHT TO MAKE UP THEIR OWN NUMBERS AND DEFY THE OPPRESSIVE ARROGANT INSISTENCE THAT THINGS NEED TO “ADD UP”]
“They might be more trustworthy with the economy than Labour but doing it off the backs of the normal average people like me and you is not fair.”
[WTF? JUST WHAT THE ABSOLUTE F*CK? TO WRITE ALL OF THE STUFF YOU HAVE JUST WRITTEN AND CLAIM TO BE “NORMAL” IS CERTAINLY AUDACIOUS. WE SHOULDN’T BE TRUSTWORTHY OFF THE BACKS OF ANY SPECIES. THIS IS PARTICULARLY DISCRIMINATORY AGAINST JELLYFISH. THEY DON’T HAVE BACKS.]
“So how can we achieve fairness and equality in this country? I truly believe the only party who will always strive for this is the Liberal Democrats and that’s why i am proud to say I am a Liberal Democrat.”
[IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS, THE PARTY SUCCESSFULLY LOST TWO THIRDS OF ITS VOTERS. WE SHOULD STICK WITH THE PLAN AND TRY AND LOSE A FURTHER TWO THIRDS OF THE DWINDLING BAND OF SUPPORTERS IN THIS PARLIAMENT. YOUR PROPOSALS ARE A BRILLIANT FIRST STEP TO TRYING TO ACHIEVE THIS. BUT IT WILL BE A LONG AND HARD SLOG TO BUILD ON THIS FIRST ENCOURAGING STEP.]
” * Leanne Jones is a full time mummy, natural born liberal and feminist who loves music, art, science & is obsessed with politics'”
[IT IS OUTRAGEOUS AND UNFAIR THAT YOU ARE A “NATURAL BORN” LIBERAL. PEOPLE DON’T HAVE A RIGHT TO BE NATURALLY BORN INTO ANYTHING. GIVE ME SOME OF YOUR MONEY. NOW. TO COMPENSATE ME AND MY PET GERBIL FOR NOT BEING BORN WITH SUCH AN ADVANTAGE.]
Happy days are here again.
Tags: #LibDemFightback, batshit crazy, goldfish, Leanne Jones, lib dems