By Angela Harbutt
So the coalition have settled in, and our very own David Laws has got his chainsaw out. Well, NO actually, it’s a scalpel we are told.
(I am hoping that like most good gory video games he’ll reach level 5 and swap that “scalpel” for something that’s more appropriate for the task – like a chainsaw gun at the very least, but anyway…)
Wielding his trusty “scalpel”, Laws is stating that the government will find £600million from Quangos. That’s really not very much when you consider what we spend on them. According to the (previous) government’s own figures, “in 2008/09, total expenditure by Executive NDPBs (Non Departmental Government bodies), was around £46.5bn. Of this, around £38.4bn was funded directly by Government”. And that’s excluding charities and pressure groups that get direct Government money (e.g. ASH that gets direct funding from the Health Department).
Well, if they are not going to do drastic – can they at least do fun? After all there’s not going to be much to laugh about in the coming months (except England failing to reach the quarter finals of course).
Following on from the rip-roaring success of the TV Leaders debates, I rather like the idea of reviewing Quango’s publicly. I am thinking a hybrid Saturday night TV show along the lines of “Britain’s Got Talent” with a splash of retro “Noels House Party” thrown in. “Quangos-a-go-go” has a nice Saturday night feel to it.
The idea is that each week we are offered a selection of quango’s that are each given two minutes to present “their case”. If the judges panel – David Laws, George Osborne and Tessa Munt (got to have a gorgeous blond!) hit their “reject” button before the two minutes are up, a vat of custard is dropped on the quango-istas from a great height (the custard , not the vat) and they are sent duly packing.
If they survive the full two minutes, the TV audience gets to vote by phone for how much money they get. We keep being told that “we are all in this together” so why not involve the public in the decision? And we may just raise enough number from the phone calls to pay for some of them.
Which should we see up first on the show ? (ignoring the obvious ones like Regional Development agencies, BECTA, Standards Board for England etc)….
Sustainable Development Commission
Call it what you will, this is nothing more than a Government sponsored campaign for increases in environmental policy. It is just madness to fund an organisation to lobby yourself. Definite custard bath time.
National Policing Improvement Agency
Supposedly created to remove layers of bureaucracy from policing. Ha! that worked. More seriously, any organisation that says its purpose in life is “to make a unique contribution to improving public safety” and then singularly fails to explain exactly HOW they are going to do it, deserves all the custard it can get. And when you read phrases like“ten year strategic framework“..”High potential development scheme“..”simplified competency framework” and “talent management“…You just know its time to put on your wellies. They spend an eye-watering £535 million (mostly on spin by the looks). Definite custard bath.
National College for School Leadership
This was set up to improve the quality of head-teachers. If you want better head teachers, pay them more. The £105million it spends would go some way towards it. Worringly this particular group has quango-creep. It now calls itself “The National College for Leadership of Schools and Childrens Services”. STOP right now! One thing that might just save it from the custard… On the front page of its website it says, rather endearingly.. “A New UK Government took office on 11 May (no shit!). As a result the content on this site may not reflect current government policy.” Hmm that might be why Laws/Osborne gang have already chopped £16million of its budget.
Commission for Rural Communities
This organisation grandly pronounces that its “statutory purpose is promote awareness of the social and economic needs of people living and working in rural communities“. The “rural community” may have needed its own commission under Labour – but surely the Tories love the countryside? Can’t see us needing this anymore. And let not forget that they were the folks that appointed the”Rural Advocate” to to put the case for rural people . That’s just downright insulting to us country folks. Custard.
Finally, and this is my favourite (and was not my spot – but came from a friend of a friend..)
The Agriculture and Horticulture Development Board
Firstly any quango with “development” in its title should go. Secondly, it likes to be known as the “AHDB” – That’s not a good sign when you WANT to sound like a menacing bug lurking in the corners of the local NHS hospital. But otherwise this sounds worthwhile enough. Until you realise that our money actually goes on nutty things like “The Potato Council” – whose most successful campaign in 2009 was National Chip Week (promoted by Keith Chegwin – did we really pay him money for this?). Apparently the campaign managed to increase the sale of frozen chips by 11%. (Best not tell the department of Health that). They also have a whole raft of mini websites www.lovepotatoes.co.uk, www.potatoesforcaterers.co.uk, www.potatoesforschools.org.uk www.lovechips.co.uk, www.potatoposters.co.uk. It’s a monster gone mad. Definite candidate for the custard bath.
I could go on, but for now I will let Andy return to the more important stuff at hand…Unless of course you have your own favourite quango you would like to see in the custard bath. If so please leave us a comment.
Tags:
Britain's got talent,
David Laws,
George Osborne,
quangos,
£600million cuts