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It’s official. Lib Dems are batsh*t crazy

By Editor
May 19th, 2015 at 1:31 pm | 1 Comment | Posted in Just plain funny

There has been much discussion in the press and elsewhere in recent days about what on earth the Lib Dems will do to regain lost ground? With compassionate Tories and economically sound Labour on the rise, with EU loving Nationalist SNP and flag-waving Kippers where oh where will the Lib Dems fit in this new world order.

jelly fish

(No jellyfish were harmed in the making of this picture) ClipArts

Well have no fear – the answer appears to be plain. They plan to return to the good old days ; populating their seaside retreats with sandal-wearing beardies, and adopting policies on”humane” regulations for crabs and lobsters; the inalienable rights of goldfish, and the rights of teenagers to watch (and probably star in) porn movies.  Hacks up and down the land can at last look forward to their Lib Dem conference assignment come September and political cartoonists brush off their pens with renewed enthusiasm.

Don’t believe us? Then read this wonderful submission gracing the pages of Lib Dem Voice (in italics). We’ve added our own thoughts [in red], but do feel free to add your own.

 

“Ok, So I have heard many people asking what do the liberal democrats believe? What is Liberalism? and where do I fit into this? Well, I am going to attempt to answer these questions the best I can without boring you all to sleep”.

[GOOD LUCK WITH THAT – I MIGHT STAY AWAKE IF YOU START SAYING SOME REALLY MAD STUFF!]

“From the Preamble to the Constitution:

The Liberal Democrats exist to build and safeguard a fair, free and open society, in which we seek to balance the fundamental values of liberty, equality and community, and in which no one shall be enslaved by poverty, ignorance or conformity. We champion the freedom, dignity and well-being of individuals, we acknowledge and respect their right to freedom of conscience and their right to develop their talents to the full. We are committed to fight poverty, oppression, hunger, ignorance, disease and aggression wherever they occur and to promote the free movement of ideas, people, goods and services.

So that’s the basic stance on the party’s views and where the Liberal Democrats are different to other parties.”

[YEAH. YOU’RE BANG ON RIGHT THERE. MOST OTHER POLITICAL PARTIES MAKE A POINT OF BEING STRONGLY IN FAVOUR OF HUNGER, IGNORANCE AND DISEASE IN THEIR FOUNDING CHARTER. THANK GOD THERE IS ONE PARTY WHICH ISN’T EXPLICITLY IN FAVOUR OF AGGRESSION AND IGNORANCE. WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT YOU?]

“They believe that everyone has the right to live a good life, and where everyone has the opportunities to be the best they can be, regardless of age, colour, gender, religion, location or how wealthy you are, and we all know that currently and previously, these things do alter our paths and rights to achieve in life.”

[WEALTHY PEOPLE CAN BUY MORE THINGS. WE ASSUME YOU WISH TO BRING AN END TO THIS SITUATION. NO WEALTHY PERSON SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO USE THEIR WEALTH TO IMPROVE THEIR OPPORTUNITIES OR THEIR CHANCES OF LIVING A GOOD LIFE. THIS IS A RECOGNISED POINT OF VIEW – IT IS CALLED COMMUNISM, NOT LIBERALISM.]

“I personally know how this feels as I’m sure many of you do too. If you are not lucky enough to be able to afford to go to a good school your opportunities are lowered, or if you are from say rural areas then your opportunities are greatly different compared to those living in city centres.”

[BAN ALL PRIVATE EDUCATION AND MAKE PRIVATE TUITION ILLEGAL. WE ALSO NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERY HOUSEHOLD HAS EXACTLY THE SAME BOOKS IN IT. OTHERWISE RICHER HOUSEHOLDS WILL HAVE CHILDREN ACCESSING MORE AND BETTER BOOKS. THIS IS UNFAIR AND NEEDS TO BE BANNED. PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE TO LIVE IN THE COUNTRYSIDE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO TRAVEL TO TRAFALGAR SQUARE AS QUICKLY AND CHEAPLY AS LONDONERS. THE CURRENT SYSTEM OF BREAKING UP THE LONDON TRANSPORT NETWORK INTO SIX ZONES WILL BE PROHIBITED. WE MUST ENSURE ALL OF THE HUMAN RACE LIVE IN THE UNIFIED “EQUALITY ZONE”.]

“I believe the same opportunities should be available to all people in all areas of the country (even the world). But, we can not achieve this level of equality if those in charge are not in favour of equality”

[NO ONE SANE IS IN FAVOUR OF TOTAL EQUALITY. THE OPPORTUNITY TO DRINK EXPENSIVE CHAMPAGNE CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT BE EQUALLY AVAILABLE TO EVERYONE IN THE WORLD.]

“Liberalism is a political philosophy or worldview founded on these ideas of equality and liberty. Liberty is freedom… the word liberal comes from the latin word liber which means ‘free’ man.  Liberals generally support ideas and programs such as freedom of speech,  freedom of the press, freedom of religion, free markets, civil rights, democratic societies, secular governments, and international cooperation.”

 

[MAKE YOUR MIND UP. DO YOU WANT FREE MARKETS OR EVERYONE HAVING EXACTLY THE SAME STUFF? THEY ARE PRETTY GOOD AT THE LATTER IN NORTH KOREA. IT’S PRETTY EQUAL IN THAT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME TERRIBLE LEVEL OF MISERY.]

“Liberalism first became a distinct political movement during the age of enlightenment.. where it became popular among philosophers and economists in the western world. Isolated strands of liberal thought that had existed in Western philosophy since the Ancient Greeks, began to combine at the time of the English Civil War.

So, you know now about the basic core beginnings of liberalism and you know about the views of the Liberal Democrats… so where do i fit into this? and more importantly, what about you?”

[TELL US. TELL US. WE CAN’T WAIT.]

“I have always had a strong view that every human and animal deserve the equal right to live a free and healthy life. After all, we  share this planet  and no species is more important than the other. We each have a purpose and in turn each deserve the right to a good life.”

[OK, YOU ARE OFFICIALLY A NUTTER. YOU ACTUALLY THINK A MOSQUITO IS NO MORE OR LESS IMPORTANT THAN A HUMAN BEING. WE SHOULD ALSO STOP HEDGEHOGS FROM SMOKING CIGARETTES IN CASE THIS STOPS THEM LIVING A HEALTHY LIFE.]

“Now, I have always been interested in politics but it wasn’t until I learned about the Liberal Democrats that I realised the views and ideas behind this party are very much the views and ideas I have always tried to live by. Liberal Democrats are not here to work for the elite, they were never designed around the rich and powerful. The party  strives to achieve fairness and equality for all.”

[ESPECIALLY FOR INSECTS AND INVERTEBRATES, WHO ARE NOT CURRENTLY ENTITLED TO VOTE AND DESERVE THE SAME EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITIES AS HUMAN BEINGS.]

“Yes ok, they have made a few mistakes over the years, but they are just human.. like you and me.”

[PERHAPS WE NEED MORE REPRESENTATION – OR EVEN QUOTAS – FOR THE WIDER ANIMAL KINGDOM ON THE FEDERAL POLICY COMMITTEE. THOSE PESKY HUMAN BEINGS RUNNING THE LIBDEMS HAVE SURE MADE A TON OF MISTAKES. IT’S TIME TO LISTEN TO THE PANDAS AND THE GIRAFFES.]

“Sometimes people can do wrong even though they have the best intentions. The main thing to remember is this. If you learn from your mistakes  grow and develop into better things, then the mistakes you made will be more of a learning curve.  You have to try and think about all the positive outcomes from it and with regards to the Liberal Democrats,  they have done good things over the 5 years even though they were small party.”

[PERHAPS PEOPLE WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE SYMPATHETIC TO HOW SMALL THE PARTY WAS IF THE LEADER AND SHADOW CABINET HAD ALL BEEN GNATS, FROGS OR LICE? HUMAN BEINGS ARE UNFAIRLY AND UNREPRESENTATIVELY TALL AND LARGE COMPARED TO OTHER ANIMALS.]

“Now we have a Tory majority govt I fear that these next few years are going to be crucial.”

[DAMN IT.WE WERE EXPECTING THE NEXT FEW YEARS TO BE IRRELEVANT AND UNIMPORTANT. THANKS FOR POINTING OUT THAT THEY ARE GOING TO BE CRUCIAL. WE ARE NOW ALL EARS. WELL, NOT ALL EARS. WE ARE HUMAN. ELEPHANTS HAVE BIGGER EARS, I SUPPOSE. AND IT’S INEQUALITIES LIKE THESE – A MERE ACCIDENT OF BIRTH – THAT WE WANT THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS TO ADDRESS.]

“We have all seen what David Cameron is intending to do: bring back fox hunting,”

 

[IF YOU CAN HUNT FOXES, YOU SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO HUNT HUMANS.]

“take away the Human Rights Act and replace it with something else”

[A TREATY TO RESPECT THE INALIENABLE RIGHTS OF GOLDFISH?]

“£12 billion in welfare cuts (even though there is a planned 10% pay rise for MPs).”

[YEP. IF WE PAID OUR MPs A BIT LESS, WE COULD CONTINUE TO AFFORD TO SPEND £10,000 PER HOUSEHOLD PER YEAR ON THE WELFARE STATE AND STILL WHINGE ABOUT HOW WE COULDN’T END POVERTY IN ONE OF THE RICHEST COUNTRIES IN THE WORLD AT THE RICHEST TIME IN HUMAN EXISTENCE. WE’RE SO GLAD WE TEACH SUBJECTIVE MATHEMATICS TO OUR YOUNG PEOPLE. EVERYONE (AND EVERY ANIMAL) SHOULD HAVE THE SAME BASIC RIGHT TO MAKE UP THEIR OWN NUMBERS AND DEFY THE OPPRESSIVE ARROGANT INSISTENCE THAT THINGS NEED TO “ADD UP”]

“They might be  more trustworthy with the economy than Labour but doing it off the backs of the normal average people  like me and you is not fair.”

[WTF? JUST WHAT THE ABSOLUTE F*CK? TO WRITE ALL OF THE STUFF YOU HAVE JUST WRITTEN AND CLAIM TO BE “NORMAL” IS CERTAINLY AUDACIOUS. WE SHOULDN’T BE TRUSTWORTHY OFF THE BACKS OF ANY SPECIES. THIS IS PARTICULARLY DISCRIMINATORY AGAINST JELLYFISH. THEY DON’T HAVE BACKS.]

“So how can we achieve fairness and equality in this country? I truly believe the only party who will always strive for this is the Liberal Democrats and that’s why i am proud to say I am a Liberal Democrat.”

[IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS, THE PARTY SUCCESSFULLY LOST TWO THIRDS OF ITS VOTERS. WE SHOULD STICK WITH THE PLAN AND TRY AND LOSE A FURTHER TWO THIRDS OF THE DWINDLING BAND OF SUPPORTERS IN THIS PARLIAMENT. YOUR PROPOSALS ARE A BRILLIANT FIRST STEP TO TRYING TO ACHIEVE THIS. BUT IT WILL BE A LONG AND HARD SLOG TO BUILD ON THIS FIRST ENCOURAGING STEP.]

” * Leanne Jones is a full time mummy, natural born liberal and feminist who loves music, art, science & is obsessed with politics'”

[IT IS OUTRAGEOUS AND UNFAIR THAT YOU ARE A “NATURAL BORN” LIBERAL. PEOPLE DON’T HAVE A RIGHT TO BE NATURALLY BORN INTO ANYTHING. GIVE ME SOME OF YOUR MONEY. NOW. TO COMPENSATE ME AND MY PET GERBIL FOR NOT BEING BORN WITH SUCH AN ADVANTAGE.]

Happy days are here again.

 

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Lynton Crosby call for banning election polls is wrong

By Editor
May 17th, 2015 at 10:10 am | Comments Off on Lynton Crosby call for banning election polls is wrong | Posted in Uncategorized

Interviews from Lynton Crosby (the true election professional) are all too rare. But he has stepped forward over the weekend to provide some fascinating analysis of the latest UK General Election.

Much we agree with. But where we disagree with the “Wizard of Oz”, is his call for “…public polls to be banned for the “two or three weeks” before a general election because of their potential impact on the result…”

First and foremost “bannning” something should never be the first instinct of any lover of free markets. Banning stuff has unintended consequences.

In this instance the unintended consequence of banning the publishing of opinion polls for the last couple of weeks of any election, would be to create a two tier system. Those that have information, and those that don’t.

The ban on published polls would not stop opinion polls being commissioned (by banks, political parties, the media and other privileged groups). It would simply deprive us, the average voter, from knowing what those polls said. An “information rich elite” vs “voting public ignorance”.

We would be subjected to an endless chorus of pundits, commentators and journalists alluding to information they “had seen” but “could not report” that pointed in one direction or another. That would not enhance transparency and debate, it would mean the political classes claiming they “knew” stuff that we did not. That does not assist democracy, it merely deepens the gulf between “us” and “them”.

In all likelihood, Mr Crosby probably has the best polling methodology in the UK. So it makes sense for him to use this opportunity to call for such a ban. And he is sufficiently canny to know that planting the suggestion of a ban now may take root – and to his advantage in years to come. We are sure he would much prefer to be able to selectively leak, come May 2020 that “Conservatives insiders believe it is a close race” or “Senior figures inside Conservative HQ believe they are well ahead” – according to his preferred strategy. Fair enough Mr Crosby, but don’t expect us, your average voter, to agree.

What we want it is better polling. It seems to us that the problem with the polls at this election was not necessarily “shy Tories” (wic may explain 1% of the error), so much as the cartel of opinion poll companies tweaking their methodology constantly to keep in step with the pack. For example, polling company Survation has already admitted that it suppressed a poll conducted late in the General Election because the results seemed so “out of line” with previous research they had conducted and the results being reported by their peers that they decided not to publish. Lessons learned we hope.

So we say we would rather that bans, let ’em try again next time, We’d much rather that, than exist in a 2 week vacuum with the political elite spoon-feeding us with whatever spin they wish to serve up.

Polling aside Mr Crosby has many excellent points to make and makes for an excellent read. You read the full interview with him here.

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Is classical liberalism the best hope for Lib Dems?

By Editor
May 16th, 2015 at 3:01 pm | Comments Off on Is classical liberalism the best hope for Lib Dems? | Posted in Liberal Democrats

David Herdson on politicalbetting.com seems to think so…

“… if being the reasonable voice of the centre won’t cut it for the Lib Dems, what will? There is of course always the well-trodden path of local activism and that no doubt has its part to play but only where the party already has an established base and that has its limits, particularly with the boundary review likely to shake up the map.

To my mind, the Lib Dems have, or could have, two genuinely distinctive messages that no other party is selling. One is being unashamedly pro-EU. That will matter in the next three years and could be the ticket back into the heart of the action. It’s true that they did play that card in 2014 and it flopped badly but a referendum may be a different matter.

The second, however, is the stronger, and is to return to a more classical liberalism: for individual freedom and against state encroachment, whether economic, social or in excessive policing powers. Some would argue that no other party is selling either message because neither is popular and there’s something in that – but unpopular doesn’t mean there’s no support and the alternative is to contest other policy ground where other stronger parties are already encamped.”

The article is worth reading in full and can be found here.

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The case for freedom – short & sweet

By Editor
May 13th, 2015 at 10:15 am | Comments Off on The case for freedom – short & sweet | Posted in Uncategorized

HAT TIP:   Following the May 7th General Election results, a timely article on the case for freer markets and a less powerful state has just been published by CentreForum. No surprises that the author of this stellar piece is by none other than IEA Director General, Mark Littlewood.

This short (2 page) article is especially recommended to our liberal-minded Conservative MPs; short, pithy and loaded with Littlewood’s delicious and highly repeatable soundbites.  We reckon these are the choicest themes that will be quoted, expanded upon and otherwise used time and again in the months (possibly years) to come.

“[in the past 40 years] state spending has increased by a factor of about three and half in real terms”.

“Spending on all welfare provision in the UK –including state pension provision – amounts to around £8,000 per household. Twice what it was in nominal terms a decade or so ago. “

“Pretty consistently, in recent decades, governments – again of all political persuasions – have only found it possible to collect around 37% of national income in tax receipts… Given this 37% rule seems to be close to being an iron rule, [Government] spending above this on any consistent basis is a road to ruin.”

“[My educated guess is that] the financial services are the second most regulated sector of our economy. I was disappointed it didn’t come top – I think handling weapons grade plutonium comes top.”
Read the full article here.
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IT’S THE UNIONS WOT WON IT

By Editor
May 9th, 2015 at 10:40 am | Comments Off on IT’S THE UNIONS WOT WON IT | Posted in Labour

The news channels today are full of speculation about who will be the next leader of the Labour party. It’s a bit of shame that the trade unions won’t get quite the same sway this time around.

After all, had the Unions not defied the will of Labour MPs and the Labour party membership in the last leadership election in 2010, (both groups showing a strong preference for Ed’s brother to lead the party) we could well have seen David Miliband lead the party over the last 5 years – and a Labour Prime Minister sitting down to breakfast in Number 10 today. So the nation’s thanks must go out to every Trade Union that backed Red Ed.

Sadly this time around the Labour Leadership election system will be different. The voting system has been changed (though yet to be implemented) moving to a “one member one vote” system (assuming it actually get’s implemented).  Will that lead to a more sane choice of Labour leader? Well with trade union darling (and health secretary at the time of the Mid Staffs excess deaths scandal) Andy Burnham the current front runner, and millionaire Champagne socialist Chuka Umunna (who views working class people as “trash“) apparently hot on his heals  – ermm maybe not.

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