By Andy Mayer
Snippets of the latest ALDC handbook on how to enjoy a Liberal Democrat Christmas, have found their way to Liberal Vision. We are particularly impressed by the new focus on micro-targeting to the specific needs of different audiences.
Christmas can be a troubling consumerist time of year. However don’t let this dishearten you from focusing on the needs of others and equal enjoyment of the festive spirit. Please first remember to distribute at least 0.7% of your children’s presents to an international development charity. Next bear in mind it is relative, not just absolute differences that will drive your offspring’s happiness. In this respect you will be better off buying them all exactly the same presents rather than risking upset through some kind of parcel lottery.
Whilst it is traditional in this country to enjoy the dissemination of presents from a centralised tree bureaucracy, often carried by a wise servant of the Christmas spirit, experienced in spreading joy and happiness for little personal gain, do not let this distract you from what is a neglected opportunity for experimenting with market mechanisms. Imagine your family’s sense of thrill and fun when you introduce access charges for presents and a competitive tendering process in order to ensure the most efficiency distribution of scare wrapping materials. Localised stocking distribution hubs can ensure a more personalised service and whilst this might invariably mean the same orange, walnuts and a bag of chocolate coins as last year, the principle of choice will be firmly embedded in their young minds.
Liberal Socailists Social Democrats Richard Grayson
Christmas can be a deeply lonely time of year, particularly for those made recently homeless through no fault of their own bar a disagreement with their current landlord. Happily a warm welcome awaits for you at the lost liberals shelter (current propriators E.Miliband and L.Byrne). For the small price of selling your ideas and former housemates down the river you can enjoy a leaky roof and occasional bowl of weak soup to nourish you through this time of hardship.
Christmas runs the risk of creating a sense of entitlement in your offspring that should be avoided at all costs. Rather than encourage such leanings consider the benefits of employing your children as helpers this yuletide and letting their natural creative tendencies in the kitchen produce a delightful feast untrammelled by irrelevant health and safety laws or the minimum wage.
You need three simple messages this Christmas, peace, understanding and winning here in 2011. Put these messages consistently into your Christmas cards, with blue-inked signatures, a bar chart, and a personal message written by your 14 year old cousin, and you can save Santa’s Grotto from the vicious cuts your local MP has just agreed to pass into legislation with the Conservatives.
Ethnic Minority Liberal Democrats
EMLD would like to express their outrage that ALDC have once again produced a campaign handbook focused on a Western Christian celebration that entirely ignores the campaigning needs of the wider festival community. As a consequence we are demanding that Nick Clegg immediately set up a Fairer Festival Fund and employ an intern to investigate the institutional barriers to acceptance faced by under-represented forms of merry-making.
Just because the job entails holding a steady hand on the tiller of sleigh pulled at 6,000 mph by genetically modified reindeer whilst being resolutely focused on the distribution of presents to children, rather than appearing in the latest copy of Heat magazine; do not let this dissuade you from running for the job of Santa Claus. Victory is within your grasp.
Please ensure you arrive at the Palace of Westminster in good time to learn this year’s selection of tunes for Christmas
- Silent Night
- God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman
- The Man with all the Toys (cut)
- Once in Royal David’s City
- Little Saint Nick (revised)
- Go tell it on the mountain (but not to the Telegraph)
- All Alone on Christmas
- Silent Night (reprise)
Traditional festive treats such as phone canvassing and preparing the artwork of Phil Woolas smearing a snowman, have been laid on at the Mill Gate campaign headquarters in Oldham. Your families will be able to dial in to speak to you for five minutes at some point betwen the Great Escape and Queen’s Speech, where upon you will be required to deliver leaflets in Sholver celebrating the Coalition’s plans to improve your right to a work-life balance.
Please note this year’s campaign, Accession for Turkey, is not a parody.